WASHINGTON D.C. – As part of the UFC Freedom 250 match, President Donald J. Trump’s demanded an 80th birthday present to himself which saw Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio compete in mixed martial arts combat for the crowd’s amusement.
“Ground and pound, Little Marco! Ground and pound!” shouted the commander in chief as the top two members of his cabinet grappled, shirtless, on the White House lawn.
The sound of wet, awkward slaps and intermittent tears from the two politicos could barely be heard over the cheers of drunk MMA fans and and billionaire tech oligarchs. Vance gained an early advantage in the match by employing what he called “hillbilly karate”, but this quickly devolved into spitting and unsuccessful attempts to kick Sec. Rubio in the groin.
Spectators report the undercard match stretching on longer than the crowd’s interest, partly due to the commutative lack of physical prowess between the two oiled-up combatants, and also from frequent pauses in the action to accommodate the President’s numerous naps.
Coming up next, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump will fight to determine who gets to run for president in 2028.
