EDMONTON — The Centurion Project, an Alberta separatist organization, has been accused of illegally accessing the personal information of nearly three million voters, in a patriotic display of separating Albertans from their privacy.
“Whether it’s Alberta and Canada or the barriers keeping your address from the conspiracy theorists who make up our membership, we’re all about separating stuff,” a separatist representative said. “This is just an exciting taste of the arrogant, slapdash mismanagement that Albertans will enjoy if we’re put in charge.”
The Centurion Project and another separatist group have been ordered to reveal the identity of everyone they shared the voter information with, be they crank, loon, or weirdo. The Project has said it’s complying with Elections Alberta and that it’s “guilty only of being an organization with an obnoxious name for obnoxious people with an obnoxious goal.”
“Everyone knows that the politicians with the best ideas stoop to underhanded methods,” the representative said. “That’s why Richard Nixon is so fondly remembered to this day.”
With a separatist petition having earned enough signatures to trigger a potential referendum, political scientists have noted that access to the voter information database would be extremely valuable in what would almost certainly be a very annoying and stupid campaign.
“While most separatists are already getting their news from Albanian-run Facebook pages called ‘Alberta Pride Proud Pride’, the separatist campaign could strategically target the province’s waffling bozos,” a University of Calgary political scientist said. “And, of course, they’ll be sending ugly, factually inaccurate mailers to the rest of us.”
Alberta voters are split on this latest development, with one anti-separatist calling it “an egregious misuse of privileged information” and one pro-separation voter, who asked not to be identified, arguing that “the lamestream media is blowing this whole ‘privacy’ thing out of proportion.”
At press time, several key members of Premier Smith’s cabinet were demonstrating the value of privacy by continuing to keep their stance on separatism private.
