HOUSTON, TX – American consumers shocked by sharply rising gas prices demonstrated their keen understanding of global geopolitics by demanding that the Department of War bomb some foreign country into dropping the cost of oil.
“It is my birthright as an American to have cheap gas and it’s the responsibility of our government to bomb somebody – even a white country – into growing more gas,” said Wayne Markmullin at a Bombs for Barrels protest. “Or however you make it!”
“You dummy!” interjected his wife, Tammy Markmullin. “They have gas factories in China. We gotta nuke them until they lower the price!”
Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, confirmed at a press conference that he is listening to the American public – after he had chugged a bottle of Jack Daniels and lobbed it at a nearby map of the world.
“I have studied the great manuals of military strategy,” shouted Hegseth. “Top Gun, Rambo II, Rambo III – and I learned that you bring peace and prosperity to America by blowing up everything in another country. Also that steroids will make me the man I want to be, so we should bomb a country that makes those too.”
An aide attempted to inform the Secretary that oil is a fungible commodity and that blowing up production facilities will only drive up prices, but stopped when Hegseth head-butted him.
Recent polling indicates that 45% of Americans believe that oil prices will be lowered by bombing “the right part of Iran”, while 30% advocate bombing “Iraq, but again”, 20% suggesting “the country Aladdin took place in”, and one guy in Omaha who paid attention in community college correctly identifying Alberta’s vast oil reserves.
At press time the White House was readying plans to firebomb the Greenland ice sheet to reveal what they are sure will be vast oil fields.
