WASHINGTON, D.C. – United States President Donald Trump announced that his administration would not implement the intended 100% tariffs on films made outside the US, so long as they are just as mind-numbingly stupid as ones made in America.
“While we assert that our movie-making industry has been unfairly stolen away by other countries, we are willing to allow it as long as they don’t try to make us think,” Trump wrote on his Truth social media platform. “As long as your movie doesn’t require any more IQ points to watch than Love Hurts, go ahead and film it anywhere you want.”
In response to Trump’s latest backpedalling, major international movie productions are making changes to avoid the tariffs. These include Downtown Abby adding more CGI explosions, a remake of Oldboy being rewritten as a body-swap comedy starring Rob Schneider, and the greenlighting of a historical drama about the Algerian revolt against France where the Rock plays at least two characters.
According to analysts, this announcement lines up with a key point in Trump’s political strategy: keeping America dumb enough for him to remain in power.
“While there’s no hard and fast link to prove that watching films in a different language actually increases intelligence,” said political scientist Catherine Keller, “President Trump can’t afford for critical thought levels in the US to go any higher. Otherwise, people might realize that tariffs are paid by the consumer, and there’s no clear way to impose a tariff on a service instead of a good.”
Keller adds, “Ironically, passing this off as yet another development in his xenophobic, money-grubbing feud with Governor Gavin Newsom is surprisingly clever for a guy who got confused by Parasite not featuring any members of his administration.”
Trump’s new exceptions to his proposed tariffs has unsurprisingly been met with approval from his supporters, who can now rest easy knowing they will never be forced to read any subtitles to enjoy a movie.
In related news, Trump confirmed that his team had crunched the numbers and creating a tax credit for American productions wasn’t viable, before walking the statement back after realizing that’s what a smart person would do.
