WASHINGTON D.C. – In a 6-3 ruling, the United States Supreme Court ruled that former President Donald Trump not only has full immunity from prosecution for any gun murders he might commit, but that he definitely should do so.
In a majority opinion handed down yesterday, the Court’s six conservative justices confirmed that, were Trump to follow through on his infamous suggestion to “shoot someone on 5th Avenue”, that he would be totally above any legal consequences whatsoever and would also be given a little treat. In addition to legalizing presidential murder, the justices added that Trump probably should take these new powers for a spin.
In the majority opinion, Justice Samuel Alito writes, “Were President Trump to shoot somebody in the face on New York’s 5th Avenue, or anyplace else in the United States, we find that he was probably doing it as part of his official presidential duties, and how fucking dare you question his motivations for doing so.”
In public remarks, Justice Clarence Thomas added that Trump shooting somebody on 5th Avenue “would not only be legal, but would also be awesome and probably hilarious.”
The opinion goes on to clarify that these powers to commit full-blown murder and walk away scott free extend to all United States Presidents, with the exception of ones named “Joe”, any Democrats, and anybody else who might look at the justices funny in the future.
In addition to immunizing and endorsing Trump’s ability to presidentially blow anybody away, the conservative justices also added several suggestions of Americans that he could potentially shoot, including nosy Supreme Court reporters, annoying judicial watchdogs, and a waiter at the Supreme Court Cafeteria who refused to serve Justice Kavanaugh more beer after he had bee cut off.
Reached for comment, former President Donald Trump celebrated the justices’ decision. “Yup, that was the deal I made when I nominated Brett, Little Amy, and… what was the third guy’s name? Who the hell cares. The point it, they delivered on their end of the bargain, and now I can shoot anybody I want and you fucking rubes can’t say shit about it. And it’s gonna be such a beautiful shooting, many people are saying the best shooting they’ve ever seen.”
Closing out their session the Supreme Court issued several other rulings, including making political corruption not just legal but compulsory, allowing factories to pour ammonia into public reservoirs, and placing every future Republican President under “24/7 The Purge rules”.
In her dissenting opinion, Justice Elena Kagan wrote simply “Everybody run for your lives.”
