TORONTO – Canadian athletes are deep in the grind as they practice day and night for the chance to bone the hottest people at the Summer Olympics.
“Covid put a cramp in everyone’s ability and willingness to really go to town on one another in Tokyo,” remarked five-time medalist Marlon Burke. “There are definitely some corks overdue for popping in Paris.”
Etobicoke-based swimmer Emma Spring outlined her strategy: “I score with a large number of less attractive athletes at local and national events, and that helps me stay focused on that greater goal of getting absolutely destroyed by a gorgeous Austrian gymnast I’ve had my eye on since ’21.”
“The International Olympic Committee used to look down on the all-out fuck fest at the Olympic Village,” explained Olympic historian Charlotte Matthews, “but now they recognize that this is the main reason athletes show up.”
“This year’s motto, ‘Get Some’, reflects this policy change.”
“However,” Matthews added, “they’re going hard after athletes who use Viagra to get hard. The IOC claims that performance-enhanced sexual prowess undermines the very spirit of the Games. They want athletes to get aroused the old-fashioned way – by watching table tennis.”
At press time, Team Canada is considering removing several team members who’ve refused to end their monogamous relationships with non-athletes despite the fact that this will devastate Canada’s body count.
