MOSCOW – Following yet another exhausting year of ruling with brutal autocracy, Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly decided to reward himself with a few war crimes – namely an unprovoked invasion of neighbouring Ukraine.
The famously authoritarian dictator reportedly declared that he “deserved a little treat” in light of his busy schedule of jailing opposition leaders, meddling in foreign elections, and general kleptocracy. Sources close to Putin say he’d been eyeing a range of crimes against humanity, before settling on a devastating assault against a much smaller nation to satisfy his own sadistic lust for power.
After spontaneously declaring war and forcing an estimated 100,000 Ukrainians to flee as explosions and gunfire shook major cities, Kremlin sources are split on how the cold-blooded former KGB agent has chosen to spend his leisure time.
“You see, the president works hard and plays hard,” explained one Kremlin aide. “Which is why he decided to unwind by unilaterally launching an unholy crusade and threatening the rest of the world with the spectre of armed nuclear conflict.”
One unnamed oligarch added, “At first I was uncomfortable with Vladimir’s decision to challenge the European order and terrorize countless Ukrainian civilians, all out of some bloodthirsty obsession with rebuilding the former Soviet Union.”
“But then I remembered Putin would have me and my entire family murdered in our sleep without blinking, so now I feel really good about him deciding to ‘give himself a cheat day’.”
No word yet on whether the soulless totalitarian despot was left feeling satisfied by his war crimes, though he has reportedly ordered several “impulse journalist assassinations” for the weekend.
At press time the Red Cross is taking donations to assist victims of the Ukrainian crisis: https://www.icrc.org/en/donate/ukraine
