OTTAWA – Coming on the heels of revelations about RCMP surveillance of native and environmental groups, new leaks have shown that the Royal Canadian Mountain Police issued warrantless wiretaps on some 30,000 deer.
“Yeah, we did it, and we’d do it again,” said a defiant Commissioner Bob Paulson. “We’ll go to any lengths to keep this country safe from any threat, no matter how slender and graceful.”
Sources inside the RCMP say, because the deer have a vested interest in the preservation of the environment, they were naturally suspected of radical tendencies.
“If anything, the fact that the wiretaps failed to produce useful information should be taken as proof that they were justified,” Paulson said. “Why aren’t the deer using cellphones, email, or social networking platforms if they don’t have anything to hide?”
“What are their beautiful secrets?”
While the RCMP say that little-known provisions in Bill C-51 give them latitude to wiretap deer, racoons, and various lichens, critics say that the program has disproportionately targeted non-white-tailed deer.
At press time, a speckled doe was seen flitting, silently, otherworldly, through the trees, with a package of C-4 duct-taped to her flanks.
