OXFORD, UK – A new study from the International School of Roads has reportedly uncovered the root cause of traffic on roads and major highways worldwide: four-wheeled vehicles known as “cars.”
The findings from this groundbreaking study came after Dr. Reid Claypool, head of the ISOR, and his team of researchers observed traffic from the window of their office for approximately fourteen minutes.
“This might be crazy but get this… cars cause traffic,” Dr. Claypool told reporters, explaining how cars are the leading cause of traffic congestion worldwide, dwarfing other forms of transportation such as skateboards, scooters, bicycles, wheelchairs, army tanks and shoes.
“Unicycles came in at number two, but we still found cars outnumbering them twelve to one.”
Claypool continued, saying how he and his team were reportedly shocked to discover cars causing traffic, as they had no idea cars were capable of such a dastardly thing.
“We were honestly stunned by the findings, but hey… when there are cars, there is traffic… and when there are no cars, there is no traffic. Go figure.”
When asked whether there was a car out there in the world that didn’t cause traffic, Claypool noted how monster trucks are “the closest thing we have to a vehicle that emits no congestion,” because they can drive over cars.
“And while it would be fun to drive a monster truck, if everyone had one, we’d just have more traffic…,” Claypool said, before releasing a disappointing sigh.
But when asked if they were any closer to finding a cure for traffic, Claypool reiterated the study’s central finding: roads without cars don’t have traffic.
“I mean, look at bike lanes. There’s no traffic in them. And that’s only because there’s no cars in them… so make of that what you will.”
After releasing their findings, the ISOR recommended retaining infrastructure designed to curb traffic such as bike lanes, as eliminating them would just lead to more funeral processions and “more goddamn traffic.”
