OTTAWA – A smug man from Canada wasted no time this morning chastising Americans for re-electing terrifying liar and felon Donald Trump, despite the fact that he plans to vote for terrifying liar and asshole Pierre Poilievre in the next Canadian election.
Matt Hunter, a 36-year-old barista, took time away from attending a Poilievre rally to rant about how stupid Americans were for falling for Trump’s fascist bullshit.
“I just can’t believe that someone could look at a petty asshole running on slogans, lies, and faux outrage and think, ‘Yeah, this guy will be good for the country,’” Hunter laughed, taking a quick second to repost an “Axe the Tax, Build the Homes, Fix the Budget, Stop the Crime” tweet on X. “It makes no sense. Luckily we up here in Canada have more common sense. Pierre says so.”
“When Poilievre becomes Prime Minister next year, he’s gonna stand up to Trump. They’re so different in ways that I can’t even describe. Don’t even ask me what those ways are. Just trust me, bro. He’ll bring Canada home again.”
Hunter wasn’t alone in his assertions. Many other Canadians at the rally made it clear that they were smart enough to never fall for a candidate running on a platform inspired by right-wing populist values.
“Those Americans are crazy,” said Justin Smith, an accountant from Whitby. “Trump had no policies! All he did was make fun of his opponents and lie all the time! Who would be dumb enough to fall for that?”
Smith paused to watch Pierre refuse to answer a female reporter’s question before announcing to the crowd that the media organisation she worked for was biased, untrustworthy garbage. “All I’m saying is, we are so much better than them, and we’ll show it at the ballot box next year. Go Poilievre! Eat that apple!”
At press time, all of those men’s girlfriends were stocking up on birth control, just in case.
