TORONTO – With the Eglinton LRT transit extension multiple years behind schedule, and no firm completion date in sight, the various firms contracted with building the project have sent a ransom note to the citizens of Toronto, threatening to harm the line if their demands are not met.
“We want another billion dollars, or the transit gets it,” demanded the note, pasted together from print letters found in old copies of NOW Magazine discarded on the TTC. “To prove that we are serious, here’s a piece of the LRT track.”
The bloodied section of LRT track appears to have been wrenched directly off of a completed section of the line. “Pray we don’t injure the track further, because that will only result in short turn delays for future riders,” the note warns.
While Torontonians were initially promised the Eglinton line would be fully operational in the previous decade, Metrolinx CEO Phil Verster explains that we are now at the mercy of a cabal of construction subcontractors.
“While I have absolutely no idea what the construction crews are currently doing to the Eglinton Line,” explained an exasperated Verster, “they have assured me the line is safe in an underground location. I believe we should give them whatever money they demand, and then some more money on top if that to be safe.”
The note further demands that Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow come alone to personally deliver the billion dollar ransom to an abandoned and remote location – Don Mills Subway Station.
Reached for comment, Ontario Premier Doug Ford answered, “Wait, are we talking about the shady construction contractors who are building the LRT, or the shady construction contractors I tried to sell the Greenbelt to? It’s hard to keep track.”
At press time Metrolinx are planning to follow up their controversial “Stop complaining about construction delays” ads with a more direct “Nice University Line you got there – shame if something happened to it” campaign.
