THE HAGUE – In a preliminary ruling on South Africa v. Israel, the International Court of Justice has decreed that Israel must bomb civilians in the Gaza Strip with more care and compassion.
“While Israel can continue its military operation, it must shoot food, water, and medical supplies at Palestinians in equal proportion to bullets,” the advisory statement read. “Also, for every bomb fired at a hospital, the Israel Defense Forces must also launch a cuddly stuffed animal.”
A full ruling on whether Israel’s actions in the Gaza Strip contravene the Genocide Convention is still forthcoming, as apparently 26,000 Palestinians being killed since late October remains “inconclusive”.
“Genocide is a serious, complicated, and politically sensitive allegation, and determining whether the label is appropriate could take years of intensive research and legal study,” said an ICJ representative. “But like, it’s never a good sign when the ‘G Word’ is getting batted around to begin with. No one’s wondering if Latvia has been up to any genocide lately, you know?”
To date, Israel’s actions in Gaza have included non-genocidal forced evacuations, non-genocidal collective punishment, non-genocidal looting, non-genocidal summary executions, the non-genocidal desecration of corpses, indiscriminate but non-genocidal airstrikes, and the non-genocidal targeting of journalists and healthcare workers.
“The military situation in Gaza is extremely complicated,” said an IDF spokesman. “Hamas is known for using human shields, repurposing civilian infrastructure, and otherwise endangering innocent lives. With these complex circumstances to consider, we kind of just said ‘Screw it’ and started flattening schools.”
Despite the ICJ’s ruling, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has vowed to continue fighting until Hamas is rooted out and defeated for good.
“We’re in a war against fanatics who use horrifying terror tactics, which means we have to use the good kind of terror tactics,” Netanyahu said. “That hasn’t worked for us even once in the past several decades, but I’ve got a real good feeling about it this time.”
At press time, Israel was complying with the ruling by firing artillery shells and high-velocity pudding cups at refugee camps.
