HOLLYWOOD – With news that the SAG-AFTRA and Hollywood studios have reached an agreement that will end the months-long entertainment industry strike, reports indicate that a return to work has forced actors to abandon work on a nearly-completed, completely viable and comprehensive plan to end tensions between Israel and Palestine.
“We were really close to cracking the entire thing,” said Brad Pitt, A-list star of such films as Fight Club and Moneyball, of the intractable conflict that has embroiled the two Middle Eastern nation for decades.
“It was actually (Chris) Hemsworth who was most of the way through sketching out a peaceful conciliation arrangement that would reemphasize diplomatic efforts with the Palestinian Authority,” Pitt added, “but then the strike ended, so now he’s off to start lifting weights for Thor 4: More Thor.”
With the strike underway since mid-July, industry insiders report that many of the silver screen’s biggest stars saw this as an opportunity to perhaps lend their talents to solving one of the globe’s most challenging geo-political quagmires.
“Sandra Bullock was actually the one who called me first,” noted Dirty Grandpa star Zac Efron. “She said Ben Affleck, Danny DeVito, and Modern Family’s Julie Bowen had actually put down some intriguing ideas for a workable two-state solution, with a particular focus on humanitarian relief for civilians in both territories.”
Efron continued, “I got there in time to draft some binding resolutions, but then the strike ended, so pencils down I guess.”
According to experts on the Middle East crisis, the actors’ comprehensively drafted, though uncompleted, proposals for a lasting peace solution were “wholly solid.”
“This is some of the most nuanced, provocative, and utterly world-changing diplomatic work I’ve ever witnessed,” said Middle Eastern diplomacy expert Salman Hassed, PhD. “The notes that Owen Wilson has scribbled in the margins about ‘balancing respect for ancestral territories with forward-thinking statehood’ is utterly profound.”
“Or at least it would have been, if the strike had only gone on a few days longer,” Hassed added, before weeping into the sleeve of his blazer.
At press time, Warner Brothers Pictures has announced development on an upcoming film starring George Clooney and Angelina Jolie about how the near-completion of the actors’ Middle East peace plan.
