Oshawa, ON – Ever since Olivia Chow was sworn in as Toronto’s mayor local Durham resident and avowed Toronto hater Sean Buffett has repeatedly expressed his concerns that her leadership will mean the death of this once great city.
“Within a few years Toronto is going to be nothing but bike lanes and safe injection sites. It won’t be anything like the city we know now,” said the man who has only ever come into Toronto for Leafs games, bachelor parties and once to take his nephew to Ripley’s Aquarium.
“Sure I’ve been calling Toronto a crime ridden hellhole full of hippies and weirdos for over a decade, but now I’ll be right!”
Buffett and other concerned Toronto fans from Alberta, Saskatchewan and interior B.C. are confident that Chow will immediately put in place far-left policies that will devastate a city that has prospered so much under Conservative leadership in recent years.
“Soon if you want to go to Yorkdale or an awesome restaurant like El Furniture Warehouse you’re going to have to pay just to drive on Toronto streets. Or you’ll have to take a bus or bike to avoid the cost!” said Buffett, presumably trying to describe a bad thing.
If things get really bad under Chow, Buffett may even stop telling people he meets on vacation that he’s from Toronto and then pretending to agree with them when they talk about how much they like the city.