GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After years of denial, the global community of medical professionals has finally admitted that they have no scientifically based method to alleviate a case of the hiccups.
“Medical science has been trying to find a reliable way to get rid of hiccups that lined up with what we know about human anatomy,” explained Dr. Amrita Patel, from the World Health Organization. “By the late ’80s, everyone had started to give up and just decided society would be happy to believe their ridiculous home remedies work.”
“Frankly, we don’t quite understand how the human race isn’t just constantly hiccuping, all the time,” added a stumped Patel.
This revelation was completely verified by a quick analysis of alleged ways to get rid of hiccups, absolutely none of which are based on any actual medicine. “Lemon juice has not been shown to have any noticeable effects on the hiccups, breathing into a paper bag is just trying to make them progress into hyperventilation, and drinking water while pinching your nose will technically cure your hiccups by killing you.” Dr. Patel said. “We lost a lot of good grad students testing that one.
Not everyone is surprised by the confirmation that hiccups are effectively incurable. Devon Whitmore, of Oshawa, insists he had no doubts that most common knowledge about hiccups is untrue.
“You want to know why the government’s been lying to you about hiccups for years? Because they’ve been in bed with Big Ice Cubes, and taking their dirty money! That’s why!” Whitmore said from the bar he has not been seen outside of for most of his adult life. “Wouldn’t surprise me if it turns out hiccups were just caused by them splicing our genes with cat DNA when we weren’t looking!”
Dr. Patel comments that the closest they ever came to developing a consistently dependable treatment for the hiccups was dubbed too extreme for regular practice. “Basically, the operation involved removing the patient’s entire respiratory system and attaching them to an amped-up iron lung, as a scorched earth procedure was the only way to prevent hiccups from ever returning.”
“In a way, our cures for hiccups are no different than our faith in God. They only work because they believe they will. We may know less about hiccups than we did when we started, but that doesn’t mean when we should stop throwing spaghetti against the wall. Literally, because as far as we know that’s what cures them.”
In other news… BOO!!!! Did it work?