AJAX, ON – Local gas station cashier Geoff Wayne is proud to report that politics don’t affect him despite political policy being the source of every single one of his problems.
“Listen, I know that there’s a time and place for politics”, said Wayne, who uses “politics” as shorthand for anything related to the LBGTQIA+ community, feminism, #BlackLivesMatter, or Drag Queen Storytime. “But, like your average person who works three side hustles just to put food on the table, I just don’t have time to worry about some vague, arcane, concept like ‘the economy’.”
“And I get it, politics matter… for some people”, continued Wayne, who pays three grand a month to share a one bedroom apartment with four housemates and a black mold infestation.
“But, when I’m stressed about the fact that I’ll never be able to own a home with my dead-end job, student loans, and stagnant minimum wage, the last thing I want to deal with is a heated debate about crumbling mental health networks that I can’t even afford in the first place.”
“It’s like, leave politics to the politicians… whatever those guys do.”
Parties close to Wayne report that his other frustrations include randomly generated food costs, spontaneous healthcare privatization, and gas prices that inflated themselves just to mess with him personally.
“And I’m not saying politics are totally useless”, continued Wayne, as he contracted COVID 19 on public transit for the fourth time this year. “After all, someone has to oversee things like flag ceremonies, Flag Day, and diverse casting in Netflix shows”.
“But until I figure out how to live a comfortable life in a secure society that respects my basic human rights… frivolous extras like politics just aren’t for me”.
At press time, Wayne revealed that he had taken a sudden interest in politics when he learned that showing a literal scrap of awareness can get you ladies on Tinder.