CALGARY — According to local sources, the Weaver family baby is smelling suspicious again after a brief period of olfactory normality.
“Well, it’s not the diaper,” said Michael Weaver, after taking a big whiff of his six-month-old daughter. “She kind of smells like a dog that’s learned how to smoke a pipe.”
Anneline Weaver has been emitting a wide variety of scents since last weekend, when her father accidentally spilled nacho cheese sauce on her.
“Maybe I went overboard with the laundry detergent, but that was days ago,” Weaver said. “Our baby books were no help, and when I asked my grandma she just said that a smelly baby is ‘an omen.’”
“She couldn’t remember if it was a good omen or a bad omen,” Weaver added. “Then she asked me to put the baby on the phone so she could smell it, but she said Anne just smelled like phone, so I don’t think it worked.”
The Weavers have used cameras to monitor their baby’s movements, but no answers have surfaced.
“She got into the lavender potpourri last night but came out smelling like carrots, which just raised further questions,” said Anneline’s mom, Jessica Weaver.
“Our first child had all the usual baby smells, but Anneline is something else. Yesterday she smelled like a freshly mowed lawn, which was nice, but then she shifted into more of a gas station scent and I got a headache.”
“I don’t even know how the hell to describe her current odour. It’s like… like the smell of accidentally locking yourself outside during a rainsquall. Or like a robot that’s angry at you for teaching it about its own mortality.”
At press time, the Weavers were relieved to discover that their baby once again smelled like human feces.