HALIFAX – Scores of Haligonians were forced to evacuate their homes and business this morning as Pearl, the grotesque Oyster Fest mascot, and Woody, the horrifying talking Christmas tree, engaged in a titanic battle for control of the harbour.
“Oh no! Woody is fighting Pearl! We must flee!” shouted one North End commuter as the titanic monstrosities clashed beside the MacDonald Bridge during rush hour this morning.
Woody, the eerily doll-faced talking Christmas tree mascot of Dartmouth’s MicMac Mall, reportedly shot pine needles at its gargantuan adversary, all the while singing haunting holiday carols that shattered the eardrums of panicked onlookers. In retaliation, the eldritch oyster horror from the deep known only as “Pearl” howled in anger as it pummelled Woody using its own indescribably dense shell.
Scientists have offered no explanation for where these two behemoths originated from, or what caused them to suddenly grow to enormous kaiju stature.
“What caused these two terrifying gargantuan horrors to challenge each other for dominance remains a mystery,” added Dr. Maureen MacDonell of the Dalhousie Colossus Studies Dept, “But one thing remains certain – no matter who wins, Halifax will lose.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, they’re evacuating the campus. Run for your life!” she added, as air raid sirens wailed in the distance.
As the enormous beasts’ epic battle for territory spilled over into downtown Halifax, casualties have been reported. One local donair shop was levelled, forcing local residents to make do with the donair shop located across the street. Halifax Transit has canceled all local bus service, though residents have reported not noticing the difference.
One eyewitness described the Oyster Fest Mascot using its many unnerving eyes to focus some sort of “ocular beam” which it used to shear off several of Woody’s branches, causing the giant to howl in ear-splitting agony. Cellphone footage also clearly shows Woody retaliating by engaging in a spinning attack, launching ornament projectiles in all directions, striking Pearl and inadvertently demolishing the Citadel clock tower.
Reached for comment, Halifax Mayor Mike Savage urged citizens to take cover, while also musing at the root cause of this calamity.
“This monumental battle between two towering forces of nature is clearly a tragedy that no city deserves. Still, perhaps in the future Halifax could choose some less terrifyingly ghastly local mascots? Just throwing that out there.”
At press time, Woody and Pearl have teamed up to repel a surprise attack from a towering, 300 ft tall Theodore Tugboat.
