WHITBY, ON – Local office worker Lindy Jensen has reportedly started every morning at her job by telling co-workers not to talk to her until she’s had her coffee, despite the caffeine doing nothing to make her any more pleasant to be around.
“She said that coffee line on her first day of working here and I thought it was a joke”, said co-worker Aiden Barnett. “I figured she’s just not a morning person. It turns out she’s not an afternoon person, either. Or an evening person. Or a person at all, really.”
Though Jensen seems to think her caffeine intake ups her popularity, other members of the office just find her more draining as the day goes on. “If anything, she’s worse because she’s fuelled up to be terrible”, said Barnett. Jensen’s coffee apparently gives her the energy to steal people’s lunches, send passive-aggressive emails to her colleagues, and take personal phone calls over speakerphone in the open office.
The supposed difference in Jensen’s demeanor is something that Barnett claims is of great debate. “It’s a constant guessing game of whether she has or hasn’t had her coffee, and if that’s contributing at all to how annoying she’s being”, said Barnett. “It’s like Schrödinger’s cat, but you’re just guessing whether or not your co-worker sucks all the time.”
This is not the only cliche phrase Jensen is known to abuse. “She basically just speaks in HomeSense merchandise”, said Barnett. “Like, you try to talk to her about movies or sports and she’s just unresponsive, but you say something about going for drinks and you can bet she’ll be elbowing you and saying ‘It’s wine o’ clock somewhere!’ Like what does that even mean?” Jensen is also known to keep a ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ sign in her cubicle, despite not being known for doing any of the three very well.
When asked for comment, Jensen declined, unsurprisingly stating that she had not yet had her coffee.
