OTTAWA – Following the announcement that he has tested positive a second time for COVID-19, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau informed Canadians that this will unfortunately preempt the week he had planned to finally institute long-promised electoral reform.
“It’s the damndest coincidence,” explained Trudeau from 24 Sussex Ave, where he is isolating. “I was all set this week to propose, pass, and sign all of that electoral reform I’ve been campaigning on since 2015, but now that I’m -COUGH COUGH- sick, well, it’s just not going to happen.”
The Liberal promise to re-examine Canada’s first-past-the-post voting system has not received any legislative attention in the previous 343 weeks that they have led the nation’s government, making it all the more tragic that the week it was due to be examined was this coming week when Trudeau is ill.
Questioned why he had not announced any plans to focus on electoral reform in the coming week, and was only now mentioning it after his second positive COVID-19 diagnosis, the ailing Trudeau insisted that he had “meant for it to be a cool surprise”.
“Hand to God, this was totally the week we were going to give Canadians the fairer and more representative voting system they’ve demanded for years, even if it makes it harder for the Liberal Party to form a government with a slim plurality of the national popular vote,” Trudeau explained, while pulling up a cozy blanket for emphasis.
“But as you can all plainly see, I’ve got the ‘rona again, and now my hands are tied,” he added, cueing up the recent 4th season of Stranger Things on Netflix.
Asked whether other members of the Liberal Cabinet could pick up the electoral reform file, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland insisted they absolutely could not. “I mean, sure, we’d love to institute a proportional system of representation or even put it to a national referendum like we promised, but it’d just seem like a dick moveto do it while Prime Minister Trudeau is away, because he loves electoral reform SO MUCH.”
Questioned whether the Liberals could wait to do electoral reform next week when Trudeau is recovered, or handle the work via Zoom, Freeland responded, “No, also for COVID reasons.”
Reached for further comment, the ailing Prime Minister added that electoral reform wasn’t the only legislative item to be scuttled due to his new round of COVID-19.
“Wouldn’t you know it, next week was also the week we were going to tackle rising housing prices, cellphone and internet rates, and pharmacare too, but now my hands are tied” the PM explained between sips of hot chamomile tea. He then added, “Cough cough.”
At press time the Prime Minister was delivering a live video address to a $500 a plate Liberal fundraising dinner.
