WINNIPEG – Friends and family of Jennifer Higgens reacted with trepidation after the 32-year-old tweeted that she “did a thing” this past Saturday afternoon, unsure if their loved one had embarked upon a new hairstyle or a full-scale invasion of the partially-recognized Republic of Kosovo.
“It can mean almost anything,” explained Jennifer’s fiance, 34-year-old Mitchell Searles. “When we got engaged, she posted that she ‘did a thing.’ Every time she gets her nails done, she posts that she ‘did a thing.’ That time that she disappeared for 18 days and returned with a mysterious bruise and no memory of how her car ended up abandoned on the shores of Lake Winnipeg, the closest that we ever got to an explanation is that she ‘did a thing.’”
“I honestly don’t know if I should expect her home with an inverted bob or with newfound control of a contested nation in the middle of the Balkan peninsula.”
Friends of Jennifer Higgens confirmed that her carefree personality makes her equally likely to get bangs or assume control of a majority-Islamic nation at any given moment.
“Jennifer is, like, totally crazy. She’s wild,” explained her best friend, 33-year-old Michelle Piven. “Oh my god, I remember this one time we went out dancing and her shoes hurt, so she just like, took them off, right there in the club. It was the craziest thing ever. And this other time, she spent a year living in Bolivia under an assumed identity after a bunch of unexplained packages started showing up at her home in the middle of the night. You really never know with her. She’s like, such a Scorpio.”
At press time, Jennifer had posted that she was working on being a “girlboss,” which friends understood to mean that she was either selling shampoo on instagram or planning to rule a nation of 1.8 million inhabitants with an iron fist.
