Advocate for return-to-office policies eager to get back to eating other people’s lunches - The Beaverton
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Advocate for return-to-office policies eager to get back to eating other people’s lunches

WINNIPEG, MB — After working from home for two years, local man Calvin Richards is pushing to return to the so he can get back to eating lunches that don’t belong to him.

“It’s time we all went back to in-person work. Being in the office means more socialization, better work-life balance, and a smorgasbord of free delicious meals,” he said, eyeing the wrap in your hand. “Is that falafel?”

Before the pandemic, Richards claims his workdays were jam-packed with collaboration and lively meetings. “I remember this one chicken sandwich — I mean, brainstorming session — back in ‘18,” Richards said, leaning his chin on his hands with a wistful sigh. “Juicy and satisfying. The ideas, I mean!”

His coworkers, however, tell a different story. “This was Calvin’s daily routine: opening the communal fridge to assess the offerings, carefully selecting the most clearly-labelled tupperware, and throwing out any flavours of yogurt he didn’t like,” said his colleague Anjali, who is less than thrilled with Richards’ campaign to return to the office.

“His stealing eventually got so bad that I had to start a small hydroponic farm under my desk, just so I had something to eat. So much lettuce. I can’t go back to that,” she continued.

Another coworker, Miguel, has major doubts that the “productivity benefits” of going back to the office are really what Richards is after. “If the team goes back to in-person work, I’ll need to go home for lunch every day to let my new puppy out,” explained Miguel. “When I told Calvin that, he launched a full-scale campaign to make our office a dog-friendly space. He’s allergic!”

Lack of access to his coworkers’ lunches has forced Richards to innovate while WFH. According to the owner of a nearby coffee shop, he now spends his mornings lurking by the pick-up counter to snatch other customers’ drinks. “I knew he didn’t look like a Pam,” said the owner.

When asked if he felt comfortable forcing his coworkers back into a long commute, cramped cubicles, and hearing people describe Facebook memes they saw over the weekend, Richards confirmed that it’s worth it. “It’s time to get back to normal,” he said. “Sweet, delicious normal.”

Should his advocacy prove successful, Richards’ other colleagues say they’re eager to return to lacing their decoy lunches with ex-lax.