KYIV — After bravely turning down an evacuation offer from the U.S. in order to fight for his country’s freedom and quickly gaining a reputation as a defiant, inspiring leader, former comic and current President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelensky has made history for actually making being a comedian look rad as hell.
NATO’s Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg had nothing but praise for Ukraine’s leader, stating that their organization would be lucky to have a country led by such a wicked comic genius.
“We acknowledge that the process for joining NATO is complicated given Ukraine’s current circumstances, but given all that President Zelensky has recently done for the comedy community’s reputation, we welcome the beginning of those negotiations,” he proclaimed. “After all, he’s shown us that what the world needs now is more political satire, and clearly demonstrated that you can create that and be a badass freedom fighter at the same time. Unbelievable.”
Around the world, working comedians expressed their shock that being cool and being in comedy could ever be mutually inclusive.
“I literally never thought this day would come,” exclaimed New York comic Matt Knopps. “I guess all it takes for people like me and (heroic Ukrainian President Volodymyr) Zelensky to be seen as cool is the ability to fight for what we believe in, risk our lives, and also make videos showing us pretending to play piano with our dicks.”
LA podcaster Vance Boyd also opined, “I thought I looked hot after making a snappy retort to a heckler at an open mic last week, but it turns out taking up arms side by side with your nation’s people is really what gets the ladies going.”
“Today my little son looked up at me and said, ‘Mommy, I want to be a professional football player when I grow up,’ and I was so ashamed,” said Pamela Davidson, an Ottawa mother of three. “I told him that if he really wanted to be respected by his peers, he should start taking improv classes and writing sketch comedy.”
Davidson added, “Who knows, with enough Second City conservatory classes under his belt, maybe my boy could even end up being Prime Minister someday!”
Meanwhile in Washington DC, the White House reported that President Biden was considering joining a Harold team to improve his poll numbers. Current team names being considered include “The Soda Pops”, “We Did It Joe”, and “Malarky!”
At press time embattled comedian Louis CK, currently in Kyiv for shows that were cancelled, is reportedly considering whether to confront an oncoming Russian tank with his exposed penis.