KITCHENER, ON – Well, it’s official: Wade Thomas has been downgraded from the status of Lovable Weirdo to just plain Weirdo, sources say.
The 32-year-old Kitchener man loves lizards, potato salad, and gerontology, and has been a Laurier student for the last seven years. The self-described freegan was notified late Thursday evening when he logged on to Google Maps Street View just to browse for what was apparently one too many times.
“Some people like racy websites or e-commerce or Facebook, but I like to see what people look like in small towns when they’re not expecting it,” said Thomas. “But as I scrolled and screenshotted on Thursday, I got this weird email informing me of… the change.”
According to official documents obtained from Strange and Peculiar (S&P) Global Ratings, one may fluctuate in Weirdness throughout their life. “Sure, you might start out as a Main Character,” said grizzled ratings agent Franzowitz. “But do enough odd things about you’ll drop to a Best Friend or Lovable Weirdo. You keep crackin’, you could end up Full Pariah. Don’t believe me? Whaddya think happened to Danny Bonaduce?”
Over the weekend, the change in Thomas’ status was noticed by his family, friends, and fellow bowlers. “He usually censors himself so he’s not going on and on about like, saints and martyrdom for hours,” said Thomas’ friend Craig. “This time, he kept going. You do NOT want to know how St Lucy died, trust me.”
As for Thomas, he feels disappointed but committed to his new status. “I could try to upgrade myself or try to change into a more likeable person but weirdos seem to be ruling the world,” said Thomas. “Just wait until I get my G1!”
