BATTLE CREEK, MI – Kellogg’s is moving to replace the 1,400 striking workers at several major US plants after contract negotiations broke down earlier this week. Hoping to stamp out any further dissension, Kellogg’s has also announced that several other employees who engaged in ‘acts of solidarity’ will also be replaced. Notable among them, Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes fame.
Despite his imminent dismissal, the cartoon spokestiger has only grown more outspoken on the topic of worker’s rights. Speaking at a rally on Friday, he addressed BCTGM union members.
“I can’t believe they’d treat their employees this poorly”, Tony said, his trademark red neckerchief defiantly covering his face. “These are same employees who worked g-r-rueling 80-hour work weeks to keep these plants open at the height of the pandemic. Would it kill them to show a little g-r-ratitiude?”
“This whole thing just stinks of corporate g-r-reed. Kellogg’s made $4 billion in profit this year and where does it go? Into the pockets of money-gr-r-rubbing CEOs. God, those gr-r-easy bastards gr-r-rind my gears to no end!”, he added to cheers from the crowd.
Replacing Tony will be Kellogg’s new scab mascot Jerry the Jaguar. Jerry, a cartoon jaguar rendered in MS Paint by non-union artists and voiced by voice actors found on Fiverr. Jerry will soon be “spotted” on boxes of Frosted Flakes at grocery stores across the country sporting his signature green bandana and a tongue slightly too big for his mouth; reminding children everywhere that they’re not just good, “they’re gr-r-fine.”
A relative unknown in the breakfast mascot industry; Jerry’s only previous work, according to his IMDB page, was representing a now-discontinued breakfast cereal called “Corn Shapes.”
“Look, Kellogg’s loves Tony and we wish him nothing but the best in his future endeavors,” said spokesperson Donna Winters at a publicity event for Jerry the Jaguar. “But his message of kindness, fair-play, and sportsmanship just doesn’t resonate with the Kellogg’s brand anymore. Besides, we think the kids are really going to respond well to Jerry and his message of ‘taking what you can get’ and ‘keeping your head down.”
At press time, a truly shocking amount of pornographic furry art featuring Jerry the Jaguar had been posted on the internet.
