BRADFORD, ON — Today Premier Doug Ford announced a new highway project which will exclusively allow passage for armoured cars delivering large piles of cash to the wealthy real estate magnates who fund his election campaigns.
“Just like the previously-announced 413 and Bradford Bypass, we’re excited to build this new money-delivery highway whether anybody wants it or not,” Ford announced proudly. The new Kickback Express Highway will run through Vaughan, Newmarket, and other 905 communities where large property development firms donated heavily to Ford’s 2018 electoral campaign.
As well, the new highway will take “a few extra zigs and zags, just to cut through as much protected greenspace as possible.”
“We’re building the Kickback Express Highway for all the hardworking families out there – specifically the Cortellucci, Di Poce, and Marotta families, and also no other families,” Ford proclaimed as he cut the ribbon on the new highway.
Sources report the new Kickback Express Highway will be extensively reinforced, to accommodate the weight of the massive piles of currency being delivered straight to the doors of Ontario’s prominent real estate developers and magnates. Additional lanes will be added for the money being transported as payments for the valuable land the Kickback Express is built on, which is also owned by said property developers.
The Kickback Express Highway will also feature 8 lanes in each direction, specifically so the money trucks can do cool convoy formations like in Fast & Furious. “I’ve seen the mock ups, and they’re super sweet,” exclaimed Premier Ford.
Ford went on to explain that none of the heavy vehicles moving large sums of cash along the new highway will be tolled. Asked where his government will generate funds to build the Kickback Express Highway, as well as the funds it will transport directly to well-connected developers, Ford was enthusiastic.
“First, we found $4.4 billion just lying around from that COVID relief fund Trudeau was dumb enough to send us for COVID,” Ford answered “Plus, we just cut $500 million from schools, so that should pay for some extra-fancy guardrails on the Kickback Express.”
In the community several Ontarians responded to the Kickback Express HWY news. Michael DeGasperis, president of Arista Homes and the CEO of TACC Construction, exclaimed, “Finally, the money being funnelled to me by this government will arrive at my home slightly faster so I can swim around in it, Scrooge McDuck style.”
At press time Ford added that any regular Ontario citizens attempting to drive on the Kickback Express Highway will be shot on sight.
