Barrie, ON – A local man unaware of the contents of his own refrigerator is demanding to know what is in the COVID-19 vaccine.
Justin Travers, 34, is extremely concerned about the contents of the newly developed vaccine. “I’m just really careful about what I put into my body,” says Travers, who regularly eats dairy products despite his severe lactose intolerance.
When asked what he is comfortable putting in his body, Travers referred to a stack of well-worn takeout menus, as he hasn’t prepared his own food since he made KD on an illicit hot plate in his dorm room in 2006. An inspection of his refrigerator revealed two sprouted onions, half a jar each of mayonnaise and Sriracha, and a bag of what probably used to be bread. When it was brought to his attention that the open mayonnaise was three years past its expiration date, Travers responded, “That’s just a guideline, bro.”
Travers then produced a complete list of vaccine ingredients he had retrieved from Reddit and proceeded to go through the list one by one. “Sodium chloride? Sucrose? Water? No, thanks. They can keep their sketchy-ass chemicals to themsel– wait, I have Sriracha?! Sick!”
After recovering from the revelation that he was, in fact, in possession of hot sauce, Travers expressed additional concerns about what he alleges was a “rushed” development process. “Vaccines take years to produce. There’s no way they did enough testing,” says Travers, whose dinner plans include week old takeout noodles of unknown origin. “It was either chow mein or spaghetti, I can’t really tell anymore … but my dog ate a little and he seems fine so that’s good enough for me.”
Travers also expressed doubts about the vaccine’s efficacy. “You’re telling me this one little shot is supposed to be able to identify the virus, replicate it, AND kill it? Yeah, right,” says Travers, who uses a single product as his shampoo, deodorant, and mouthwash.
Unsurprisingly, Reddit enthusiast Travers also had thoughts on the unfounded rumours that the government is using the vaccine to track citizens’ activities. “Look, I don’t want to be labelled a ‘conspiracy theorist’ or anything, but yeah, I have some concerns,” says Travers. “I read all about it in a Facebook post by a guy I went to high school with. I remember because it was right underneath the ad for the pizza I’d been talking about ordering.”
At press time, Travers was unavailable for further comment as he had simultaneously contracted salmonella, Norwalk, and COVID-19.