NEW YORK – NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced that the next winner of the Kraft Hockeyville competition will go to a town in Arizona, Nevada, or New Mexico instead of a small Canadian municipality.
The $250,000 prize of arena upgrades will be used to explore new markets in desert areas where residents don’t give a shit about hockey or even need an arena.
“We are relocating this funding competition to develop the sport where fencing is more popular than hockey,” said Bettman to a group of disappointed Canadian competitors.
“There is a demand to expand this winter sport to places like Albuquerque or Yuma,” added Bettman. “Some of these dusty and arid townsfolk have never seen an ice surface before or know what the NHL is…but top hockey players will be coming out of there in a few hundred years. Just watch.”
While Canadian townships are encouraged to participate, their pleas for further investment into local sports will not be taken seriously at this time as per the longstanding NHL tradition.
According to sources, Bettman was attempting to relocate a Bracebridge, Ontario Timbits team to South Texas.
