WALL STREET – A group of Redditors have bankrupted a hedge fund by betting on GameStop stock and the financial industry is furious and frightened by the fact that this shock to the markets wasn’t the action of bored or incompetent tycoons.
“We will halt trading if there is any more of this concerted effort from ordinary people to make money from a system that is only supposed to make money for select people,” Nasdaq CEO Adena Friedman said today in response to the ongoing situation. “The market must not be manipulated… by anyone whose parents did not get them into Yale or Harvard.”
While the financial sector has always been exploited by vulture capitalists, microtrading AIs, and anyone with a trust fund over eight figures, this new phenomenon of a large group of plebians utilizing loopholes in a system designed to only allow patrician machinations has everyone spooked.
“We should just pull the plug on the whole thing until we can get some kind of entrance exam for buying stocks,” said Kendrick Atherton, the operator of a hedge fund who is deeply concerned that if the Redditors come after him, he will lose his fifth house and fourth wife. “Maybe something where if you can’t immediately discern which is the shrimp fork, or haven’t forced an abused employee to sign an NDA, you don’t get to play with the money the way we do.”
“You know, this is exactly the kind of chaos that happens when you allow children to go to public schools,” Atherton lamented.
At press time, numerous panicking plutocrats have responded to the crisis by barricading themselves inside the large treasure rooms in which they take their daily gold coin swim.
