QUEEN’S PARK – Following a report from the province’s financial watchdog stating $12 billion in COVID-19 contingency funding is being hoarded, Premier Ford assured Ontarians those funds will soon be handed out to the real estate developers who helped fund his 2018 campaign.
“We’ve heard the outcry from Ontarians that we have not spent these funds, which were clearly earmarked for COVID relief,” explained Premier Doug Ford to reporters. “That is why I am making it my vow that by New Years, every dollar of this money will go to its rightful target – the powerful and shadowy network of Ontario real estate developers and construction firms who have donated to me in the past.”
Amid the second wave of coronavirus, currently causing case numbers and deaths to spike, Ford promised to take action for Ontario’s multi-million dollar property management firms. “By handsomely paying out political favours to the construction industry that backs me,” Ford explained, “more homes can now be built for people to stay in while we continue to do as little as possible about the actual pandemic.”
“Plus, every one of these new homes offers another opportunity to evict Ontarians during the pandemic. Merry Christmas!” Ford added before refusing to take questions.
Across the province, Ontarians reacted to news of the $12 billion surplus going directly to the construction industry. “I had hoped that some of that money would be allocated to help small business owners,” explained bar owner Jared Keensman of Burlington. “But I did vote for the PCs in 2018, so I assume these real estate favours are doing something to piss off those downtown Toronto elites. Go Ford!”
Shareen Duprie of Whitby explained, “I’m all in favour of building more downtown condos to sit empty. It’s a global pandemic – won’t somebody please think of the global money launderers who need somewhere to park their ill-gotten millions?”
As the Ontario legislature adjourns for a 2-month winter break, Premier Ford promised that “COVID-19 will not stop me from immediately reconvening a special session the moment a property developer needs access to build on the Green Belt”.
In the meantime, Ford spoke directly to all Ontarians worried about their elderly loved ones facing COVID outbreaks in long term care facilities.
“Instead, try to focus on how soon you’ll have an inheritance to invest in lucrative newly-constructed investment properties.”
