MENLO PARK, CA – In response to twin antitrust lawsuits launched by dozens of states and the federal government, social media giant Facebook has purchased the United States Justice Department.
“We’ve been eyeing purchasing the Justice Department for some time,” explained Facebook CEO and Founder, Mark Zuckerberg. “There’s a lot of overlap in the work the DOJ does shaping the nation’s laws and the work Facebook does shaping the nation’s elections, so it just made sense for us to absorb the competition.”
While the Federal Trade Commission sought a permanent injunction to break up Facebook, forcing it to divest assets like Instagram and WhatsApp, Zuckerberg instead chose to expand his company into federal executive politics. “I’ll be sitting down next week with my new employee (attorney general) Bill (Barr),” Zuckerberg explained. “I’d like us to look at opportunities for growth – for example the Justice Department’s Asset Forfeiture Program seems quite profitable.”
“I’d also like us to figure out if there’s any redundancy between the DOJ’s surveillance operations and Facebook’s surveillance operations,” the CEO added.
As his first act as CEO of the United States Justice Department, Zuckerberg announced that he would be withdrawing the Federal antitrust suit against himself. “It seems like a conflict of interest at this point,” Zuckerberg explained.
Asked whether Facebook was considering also purchasing the various state agencies that launched a joint antitrust lawsuit alongside the now-shuttered Federal, Zuckerberg seemed mixed. “Generally we don’t like to absorb competitors until they’ve reached a certain number of Instagram followers. I’d like to see a valuation from the New York AG, maybe.”
“But if the other smaller states in the antitrust suit would like to compete against Facebook in the open marketplace, then they’re welcome to try,” Zuckerberg added.
At press time, Zuckerberg announced plans to use his newly-purchased Justice Department to launch twin lawsuits of his own against the Winklevoss twins.
