ANDROMEDA – The Intergalactic Law Enforcement Bureau (ILEB) has announced an immediate seizure and shutdown of the nearby Milky Way galaxy upon discovering the presence of a long-running human fighting ring. Located in the galaxy’s dirty basement – a planet called Earth; the operation is said to have been running for several million of the planet’s years.
The humans were made to fight by being supplied tools needed to make weapons and then implanting the idea into their brains that they all belonged to arbitrary local tribes referred to as “nations.” Several poisons were also left around the planet to stunt the human growth cycle and produce a more primitive offspring. One scan of Earth found the presence of alcohol, narcotics, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and electronica music.
“We’ve never seen a human fighting ring as unethical and lawless as this one,” explained ILEB Officer Ði’Axe Ikno76×. “They’ve been raised in captivity their whole lives and bred for low intelligence and high aggression. Some of them have even been brainwashed to attack others of different skin tones despite the human race having a very small spectrum of possible skin colours of just varying shades of brown. Rumour is humans can’t even perceive every dimension in the colour sphere.”
The condemnation of the galaxy will see some of its planets being auctioned off with the jewellery adorned Saturn and the twin constellation Gemini both expected to fetch quite a few bidders. Fighting ring leader X Æ A-11 who was working under the pseudonym Elon Musk while poorly disguising himself as a human has been arrested and brought into custody.
