Surrey, BC – Facebook has released a new relationship option for users who are fucking because they’re in each other’s bubbles.
“It’s great,” said Mark Sanchez, who’s been sleeping with his dog walker Joe Andrews since social bubbles were announced. “I live alone and in normal circumstances I wouldn’t sleep with him because I’m not attracted to him but come June, Joe was starting to look mighty tasty. Call it quarantine goggles or whatever but turns out Joe was also living alone, so we buddied up. Also – our miniature schnauzers really get along. And so do our dogs!”
According to Sanchez, things got complicated when friends and family started asking if the “couple” were dating or even living together. “Luckily, that’s when Facebook released the bubble-fucking relationship option.” Sanchez explained that by announcing the specific terms and conditions of his sex life publicly on Facebook, it cleared up any ambiguity surrounding his relationship with Joe. “It’s a one-shot fix. I even received a bunch of likes and comments on the post, including a high-spirited gif from Aunt Jillian in Medicine Hat!”
Facebook says that the new relationship option is even more successful than other recent additions like ‘year in review’ videos and ‘selling out to the alt-right.’ However, some reviewers are less than satisfied with the new update.
“We’re sleeping together because they’re in my bubble but only because they’re in my bubble,” stated Ann Nguyen, who has used the new Facebook feature to announce her copulation with her sister’s roommate Greg. “You only get ten people in your bubble, right? I take up a slot, then my two roommates, plus my parents and sister – so that’s already six. There isn’t much room to “fuck around”, sort of speak and, let me tell you, after five months, mama was in need of a lay. So, unfortunately, I settled on Greg, who for context is still talking about Tiger King.”
Nguyen disclosed that once she can safely meet with people outside her bubble, she’ll cease all fornicating with Greg and wished the new Facebook status outlined that.
Facebook has announced that additional pandemic related relationship options will soon be available including “Filing for divorce because I’m married to the ‘we’ll circle back’ guy”, and “I stabbed my husband for speaking so fucking loud on work calls all day.”
