TORONTO – Amid concerns over rising coronavirus cases in Ontario, Doug Ford tightened social gathering limits in hotspot areas in order to stem the spread of the virus. As a result of the new numbers, Ford announced that all large weddings will now be held in public school classrooms.
“Look, it’s about priorities, people,” he said during the press conference at Queen’s Park. “You can’t have 100 wedding guests packed into someone’s backyard and keep everyone healthy at the same time. Sacrifices must be made. That’s why we’ve made the tough call to pack you and your entourage into already overcrowded children’s classrooms.”
“It has been established that the virus is scientifically banned from entering schools,” he continued. “So, you’re just going to have to make the best of it and say your vows while the kids are quietly eating lunch at their desks.”
Bride-to-be Tammy Hollister said that while she was disappointed that she wasn’t going to get the wedding she wanted (a 75 person event held in her aging parents’ living room), she was determined to make the best of the situation.
“At first I was worried that the classroom aesthetic would put a damper on my big day,” she explained. “But think of the possibilities! I can change the theme from “Cottagecore” to “Arts and Crafts,” we can seat three people to a desk, and, since I’ve been told kids can’t get COVID, they can be in charge of serving the food! I’m so glad I didn’t just postpone like everyone else I know.”
Melissa Brown, the teacher in charge of the classroom where Hollister’s wedding was to take place, said that as far as COVID regulations regarding schools, this wasn’t the craziest thing she had heard.
“You know what, why not,” she sighed, visibly exhausted after having stayed up all night hand-sewing masks for the children who would inevitably lose theirs at school. “I’ve already got 35 kids in my room, why not add dozens of drunk adults? Can they help stop the kids from lobbing spitballs and trying to put each other’s masks in their mouths? Hell, even if they can slip me a glass of champagne to numb the crushing terror of knowing that we’ll most likely have to go into lockdown for two weeks after the ceremony, that would be great.”
At press time, Tammy had just bullied seven-year-old Cindy Duckworth into swapping masks because the second grader’s “looked better with her wedding dress.”
