STUDIO CITY, CA – Following a magical nocturnal adventure guided by three homosexual Christmas spirits, the president and CEO of Hallmark Cards Inc has publicly apologized for caving into right wing pressure to remove ads featuring a lesbian couple from the Hallmark Channel.
“These three ghosts took me on a time-traveling exhibit of my past, present and future to show me all the gay people in my life and how my decision had wronged them,” a chastised Mike Perry said at a press conference to announce the reinstatement of the ads. “Then each ghost announced they were also gay. It turns out most spectral Christmas guides are gay. They really dominate in that industry.”
The ads, which were for a wedding planning site and featured a lesbian couple getting married, were initially pulled because a small, well-funded but innumerate group called One Million Moms complained that seeing the ads would harm children who would otherwise never find out about the existence of lesbians. The ads have been put back into rotation as a direct result of Mr. Perry’s experiences with the ghosts.
“If these gay ghosts taught me one thing, it’s that all people deserve love and respect,” Perry said. “And also that giving in to the demands of a tiny homophobic group was going to result in a massive boycott and ratings dip during our most profitable season. That was the primary focus of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, she had an MBA and showed me the future viewership numbers, it was absolutely terrifying.”
At press time, the spirit realm was gearing up to take Mr. Perry on yet another supernatural yuletide journey after realizing how few people of colour are in Hallmark movies.
