WASHINGTON, D.C. – Millions of Americans across the country swarmed their local hospitals Thursday, offering up their ribs to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The long-serving Supreme Court Justice fractured three of her ribs after a fall in her office on Wednesday night.
“Our donor staff has been working nonstop processing applications to donate ribs, organs, blood, whatever she needs,” said Nicholas Patton, Chief Resident of the University of Chicago Medical Center. “Several people have offered up their entire skeletons.”
The accident occurred at a particularly tense moment in American history, with an openly nationalist administration facing off against a growing progressive movement for whom Ginsburg serves as a cult icon. Her loyal followers have dubbed her “Notorious RBG,” both for her commanding presence and her ability to layer smooth multisyllabic rhymes about growing up as a crack dealer in Brooklyn.
The 85-year-old liberal champion is recovering in a Washington hospital, but that has not stopped her most ardent acolytes from preparing for the worst.
“My kidneys are her kidneys,” said 23-year-old Madison Smith, a Berkeley oceanography student who arrived at the hospital holding one of her kidneys in each hand. “I took them out myself to save time — she’s too valuable, we can’t take any chances.”
But not everyone is so enthusiastic about the outpouring of support. Fox News host Sean Hannity referred to the throngs in a tweet as “a Soros-backed caravan of Muslim climate scientists who keep their email servers in Benghazi.”
“They have no business interfering with God’s will,” the host said on his basic cable children’s program Hannity. “It was Adam that gave women a rib in the first place — if they can’t go to the office without breaking them, then honestly women have no business in the courts. Or the workplace. Or in the voting booth.”
At press time, hospitals have gathered enough parts nationwide to construct an army of several thousand new Ruth Bader Ginsburgs just in time to oversee impeachment hearings.