MOSCOW – During a rare sit-down interview with Tucker Carlson, Russian President Vladimir Putin was repeatedly forced to pause the proceedings in order to encourage the ex-Fox News pundit to “try and make this look at least a little bit real”.
Across the two-hour-long interview at the Kremlin, Putin repeatedly urged Carlson to ask him any questions whatsoever that might create even an appearance of journalistic integrity. This came in response to Carlson’s opening queries, which included, “How much more could you bench press than Joe Biden?”, “Has Donald Trump ever talked to you about me?”, and “I’m so sorry that all your political opponents keep making you look bad by accidentally falling out of windows. How do you cope?”
Though Putin repeatedly used the interview to frame his unlawful invasion of a neighbouring country as having historical merit, the brutal authoritarian grew visibly uncomfortable at Carlson’s line of questioning.
“You must agree, Mr. Putin Sir, that given how Ukraine was dressed they were clearly asking to be invaded,” Carlson breathlessly insisted, as the tyrannical despot shifted awkwardly in his seat.
Though the interview was not carried on any cable news networks, Carlson was assured by Elon Musk that it would be streamed in its entirety on X, a social media site whose current user-base consists of 3 dozen unemployable white supremacists catfishing one another.
As the interview stretched on, the ex-KGB officer eventually prompted Carlson with some real questions that he might ask, in lieu of what one media critic described as “a warm tongue bath”.
“Seriously, Tucker, maybe you want to ask me about how I’ve jailed my opponent Alexei Navalny in a Siberian gulag for years?” Putin offered helpfully. “Or how about asking if I was behind the 1999 apartment bombings? That’s an oldie but a goodie.”
One Kremlin aide speaking on background echoed his President’s discomfort. “Even on state media we usually have to kidnap a journalist’s family and hold them at gunpoint to get this softball an interview,” the aide noted, baffled. “I think Tucker just is this way.”
At press time, Kremlin social media trolls were propagating the rumour that the Putin seen in the interview was actually an AI deepfake, as it was less embarrassing than him actually being there.