CHILLIWACK, B.C. – Wearing an XXL white t-shirt to cover his portly frame, witnesses report that local fat kid, Kyle Walker, 11, known to his friends as “Tiny” attempted a sorry excuse for a cannonball dive into the Rotary Pool yesterday, producing what sources are calling a “feeble” and “underwhelming” splash, given his size.
Standing at 5’4” and weighing in at an impressive 167lbs, Walker, whose mother insists is simply “big boned,” lunged off the diving board into the outdoor pool at around 1:22pm local time, while onlookers prepared for an impact that would surely soak those around him, only to be “profoundly disappointed” at the sight of the meager splash.
“Hey, guys! Watch this!” announced Walker, adding that it was going to “so epic,” shortly before creating a pitiful disturbance in the water. “Did you see it? Did you see it?” he was overheard asking after emerging from the public pool’s deep end in what witnesses could only describe as a pathetic attempt at youthful summertime horseplay.
“Really thought it was going to be bigger,” said lifeguard Sharon Goodman, 16, whom Walker has stated on several occasions to many of his friends that he has “a huge crush on.” “I’ve seen lots of smaller guys make bigger splashes just today.”
“Kinda sad, actually,” she added, and then quickly dismissed any notion of ever going on a date with him.
At press time, Walker was disappointed after failing at the one thing everyone would have thought he’d be good at but was pretty sure a massive belly flop would earn him the respect of his peers.
