MATTAWA, ON – Following an overtime loss in the gold medal hockey game, local man Douglas Birch became vocal on social media about the national shame brought on by Canada’s 2nd place result.
“What a waste of time! Glad I never went to the Olympics, I’d hate to see such embarrassment to our country in person,” said Birch on Twitter via a neighbour’s unprotected Wi-Fi connection. “Everywhere those girls go for the rest of their lives, people will know them as a failure. If I hadn’t busted up my knee in highschool I would have won 10 or 12 gold medals by now!”
The 42-year-old Birch was previously let go from his job as a forklift driver due to a suspended license from a DUI leaving him unable to operate heavy machinery. He has since used this newfound free time to critique the nation’s world class athletes. Though Twitter has been the platform of choice for the outspoken male, he will often post longer rants on Facebook where his profile lists his occupation as “Given ‘em the business” and his education as “Your mom’s house.”
While much of the nation rallied around Canada’s competing athletes, even those who fell short of gold, Douglas was very vocal about his opinions on supporting Canadian Olympians.
“I can’t believe how many people I’m seeing cheer for a bunch of losers!” Birch stated on Thursday during a 4am Twitter tirade while intoxicated off a cocktail created by mixing whiskey with Flavour Aid crystals. “My generation never handed out participation trophies! How pathetic!”
As of press time, Birch’s Twitter has continued to beam out scathing reviews on the Olympic performances of athletes half his age with occasional interruptions to vent about taxes being a scam invented by the Liberal government to all of his 42 followers.
