VEGREVILLE, AB – Residents of the central Alberta town of Vegreville are growing concerned that the town’s giant egg is hatching, causing the mayor to issue a statement.
“Shit shit shit,” said Vegreville mayor Myron Hayduk in a press conference earlier today. “Is that thing hatching? Oh shit!” before running, presumably, to safety.
The giant pysanka – a Ukrainian Easter egg – was installed in 1992 in honour the town’s large Ukrainian-Canadian population, despite warnings from experts at the time that the construction was dangerously close to the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in Northern Ukraine. For decades nothing was reported, until recently, when residents noticed peculiar things about the Alberta town’s famed sculpture.
“At first when we saw that scientist running around screaming ‘it’s too warm, it’s gonna hatch’ we just thought he was being an asshole,” said Vegreville resident Barb Bondar. “But now there’s a sound coming from inside it, sorta like the caw of a seagull, only several octaves lower.”
“I for one hope it IS hatching,” said Doug Stefaniuk of the town’s tourism board. “Ours is now only the world’s second largest pysanka, ever since those dicks in Kolomyia, Ukraine built their own. If ours turns out to actually be a giant egg of some kind of monster, well then that’s a real win for Vegreville tourism.”
“Finally when I drive through Andrew, Alberta, I’ll be able to tell those fucks to shut up about their big duck,” said Mitch Evans. “No longer will Vegreville have to suffer the the sniggering laughs of St. Albert with their world’s largest badminton racket.”
At press time, experts are concerned the monster emerging from the egg is actually a metaphor for climate change.
