ST. CATHARINES, ON – Opening a bottle of wine and selection of cheeses for a semi-regular gathering between friends, a local couple is dreading the possibility that this evening’s board game night may once again turn into a unplanned group sex scenario like last time.
“Usually the ladies of the group plan these events months in advance, and it’s our turn to host,” said Malcolm Vanderberg, 29. “As awkward as it was after last month’s spontaneous, alcohol fuelled fuck-fest, Patricia thought it would be even more awkward if we cancelled.”
“I’ve put ScotchGuard on the couch just in case.”
Four weeks ago, Vanderberg, and his girlfriend of five years, Patricia Holmstead, 30, along with three other couples, began taking off their clothes and rubbing their bodies up against each other during a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity, in which someone – and accounts are unclear as to who – played the “Pacman uncontrollably guzzling cum” card. Things reportedly escalated quickly, with inhibitions chemically lowered and years of latent sexual tension releasing themselves in a couple-swapping free-for-all that was said to have culminated in the living room in an all-out fleshy garden of Earthly delights. Afterwards, guests politely offered to help clean up, but the hosts, Sarah and Seth Berkowitz declined, saying, “they’ll take care of it,” without ever making eye contact with anyone as their visitors gathered their clothing and left.
“We’ve known these other couples for years,” said Holmstead. “I know Malcolm disagrees, but last time was probably just a fluke. Then again, I hear Brad and Cynthia are bringing the adult version of Telestrations.”
“Just in case, I’m going to invite Greg and Diane from work. They’re so hot.”
