Name: Chris Alexander
Background
In high school, Alexander participated in Model United Nations and successfully negotiated a peace accord between the Jordan delegate who was accused of stealing the lunch money of the Chilean delegate. Alexander attended the least-elitist Oxford college, Balliol, known for its laid-back attitude and having only three British Prime Ministers as alumni. His marriage to a Danish woman was arranged by Canada and Denmark to prevent further bloodshed in the conflict over Hans Island. While working as a diplomat for many years, he became tired of negotiation, compromise, and understanding, so he entered Canadian politics. In the Harper Cabinet, he required all new immigrants to remove their niqabs and wear their favourite NHL hockey jersey during citizenship oath ceremonies. He is best known for his undercover investigation of CBC host Rosemary Barton which found her solely responsible for causing the Syrian refugee crisis and then never reporting on it.
Policies
– Change political chants at his rally from “Lock Her Up!” to “Vote Her Out In A Fair And Transparent Election Unless My Supporters Say That She’s Suspected Of Violating The Criminal Code Of Canada In Which Case She Should Be Arrested And Given A Fair Trial And If Found Guilty Given A Sentence That Fits The Crime She Committed Unless We’re Frustrated!”
– Open up the Canadian economy to new sources of global fear and hysteria
– Create innovative jobs for the next generation in areas of oil spill response, doomsday prediction, and a citizen militia
– Replace healthcare benefits to refugees with complimentary miniature Canadian flags to wave on Canada Day
Chances of winning: About the same as a UN peacekeeping mission being successful
