OTTAWA – The aging Canadian Air Force suffered yet another setback today, after giant metal birds had sex with several more of its planes.
“Earlier this morning, giant metal birds ploughed three more of our CF-18 fighters: one on the runway, doggy-style, and two more in midair, like eagles,” said Lieutenant-General Michael Hood, kneading his forehead. “We’re doing everything we can, people.”
Efforts by the Air Force to make their planes less fuckable have included dressing them ugly and making them smell bad. But nothing, nothing seems to work.
“If anything, bad smells seems to make these giant metal birds even more randy,” said Hood, rubbing both sides of his nose. “Sweet, merciful Mary, what is with these giant metal birds.”
Although pilots inside the planes being given it to by the giant metal birds say they are ‘gentle, though extremely thorough’ lovers, each time a CF-18 gets its bones rolled, it does mean tens of millions of dollars in repairs.
“These machines are designed for high-performance aerial combat, not hardstyle road-dogging,” said flight engineer Kelly Ireland, throwing a grease-covered rag to the tarmac. “These birds could at least use a jimmy. Christ, I’ve been scooping mercury out of engines for the last week and a half.”
This is the biggest crisis in Canadian military hardware since several of the LAVs sold to Saudi Arabia were impregnated by a brass stegosaurus.
