KINGSTON – Queen’s University administration is currently investigating a hazing incident involving first year English literature students who were forced to read Books IV to IX of Milton’s poem Paradise Lost out loud during Frosh Week events.
“It was awful,” explained one of the first year students who was forced to read stanza after stanza of the 17th century epic in front of her peers for at least 5 minutes. “It just didn’t seem to end and kept going. Many of us didn’t want to participate, but [the second year leaders] told us that it was tradition and we couldn’t become true English students.”
According to witnesses, one new student was so overwhelmed by the Biblical story about the Fall of Man that she vomited.
But the worst was yet to come. Afterwards, the unsuspecting frosh who just wanted to have a good time were required to give criticism on the poem’s broader implication within the context of the English Civil War.
Twelve students were transported to Kingston General Hospital suffering from severe insomnia and three for personal existential crises.
Queen’s University Principal Daniel Woolf immediately responded to the investigation. “Unfortunately, there are some who believe that hazing rituals are not outdated; we do not force med students to cut open and study cadavers or oblige engineer students to construct model bridges. There is no excuse for this type of irresponsibly boring behaviour.”
A further investigation revealed that all English literature students faced a ritualistic hazing in the form of reading the medieval works of Geoffrey Chaucer.
