VANCOUVER, BC – The body of local man, Eric Heston, known by many as one of the most optimistic people they’ve ever met, was pulled last night from the bottom a glass sources say he would describe as half-full of water.
“It takes surprisingly little water to die of asphyxiation,” said assistant coroner – and consistent pessimist – Dr. Jill Rice-Davis.
“We believe the glass was entirely full when the victim started to aspirate on the fluid, leaving the glass most definitely half-empty by the time paramedics arrived at the scene.”
Heston was rushed to hospital where he reportedly slipped away as doctors argued over whether Heston’s condition was half-dead or half-alive upon intake. He was pronounced fully dead at half-past midnight, local time.
Heston’s sister, Julia, was saddened by her brother’s passing remarking, “This was so sudden. His 40th birthday was just last week. At least he lived a half-full life.”
At press time, the glass that Heston drowned in was completely empty.
