OTTAWA – According to intelligence agencies, terror organization ISIS has released a list of 151 Canadians they want killed, along with two separate lists of people they want to fuck and marry.
“When Police contacted me to say ISIS had targeted me, I was shocked,” said Jason Ramahanjian, 38, of Calgary, AB. “But then I was told they were actually proposing marriage.”
“When I explained I was already married, I was told ISIS doesn’t see marriage the way we do, and they will stop at nothing to join me in holy matrimony. Honestly, I can’t say I’m not flattered.”
The lists, which give names, addresses and contact information, appears to be generated seemingly at random from hacked information. Experts believe the fuck, marry and kill lists ISIS created is meant to inspire abject fear, a sense of a secure stable relationship and animalistic sexual desire in the Canadian populace.
“These extremist groups are hoping to get radicalized individuals to target names on these lists,” said DND spokeswoman Carla Thibodeau.
“So be careful if a strange man at a bar is telling you that you have a booty so sweet Allah must have designed it himself. He may be looking to check you off the ISIS fuck list.”
Still, intelligence community sources say the ISIS lists are likely to yield no results of actual instances of murder, marriage or copulation, like all games of fuck, marry, kill.
At press time, the Canadian government wants to kill ISIS, fuck NATO, and marry New Zealand.
