TORONTO – Local man Joseph Dorn, who regularly and loudly proclaims that he “lives and bleeds Toronto sports” has accidentally worn his Jose Bautista jersey and several other baseball-related paraphernalia to a Raptors playoff game.
“Hopefully the umps don’t try to screw us out of it this year,” Dorn quipped to his seatmate. “Remember that nonsense? I mean, if you throw the inbounds pass off a bat, it’s gotta come back our way. Or a jump ball, at least.”
Dorn then stood up on his chair shouting “Heeeeey batta batta batta” as a player stepped to the line to shoot free throws.
Dorn continuously brags about how much he knows about every team, and how he has been there “since the beginning” for all of them. In addition to the Bautista jersey, his closet also contains several different Leafs jerseys stuffed in a box. He could not advise whether he owned any Argos, Rock, or TFC gear, as he was unable to tell the difference between them.
“Hey, I have no problem with bandwagoners. The more the merrier, I say,” said Raptor fan John Garbo. “There’s usually only one good team at a time in Toronto. If we’re lucky. But it is weird he hasn’t even noticed the free Raptor shirt just sitting on his chair for him.”
As Dorn began to realize he’d brought the wrong gear, he started explaining each item to anyone who would listen.
“Oh this foam J? That’s for baskets! I swear they call those J’s,” Dorn breathed as he frantically scrolled through the Raptors section of his phone’s sports app.
‘And the ‘Hit it Here’ sign I made, that’s for when we get a big….uh…..block! From….Lowry? No, I mean Biyombo, he does those! Woo! He’s my favourite for sure.”
By the game’s second half, Dorn was sporting a newly purchased DeRozan jersey, and was loudly complaining that the scoreboard was broken because it kept counting some shots for three points instead of two.