HOLLYWOOD – Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice director Zack Snyder has confirmed a forthcoming R-rated release of the film including a deleted scene of the two heroes reconciling sexually following their titular squabble.
“I mean, it’s right up there in the title: Batman versus Superman,” explained Snyder from his Malibu estate. “If I’m going to fill an entire film with slow motion glamour shots of two brawny men grappling, then the logical outcome of that has to be hot, angry, glistening make-up sex.”
Prior to the release of the highly-anticipated superhero film, DC Comics and parent company Warner Bros reportedly balked at including any scenes requiring an R rating: namely a post-credits “sting” where Batman and Superman “bury the hatchet” in a suite at the Gotham Hilton. This week’s announcement of an R-rated director’s cut has been the result of legions of fans taking to Twitter to voice their outrage.
Said Twitter user @RIPZod1997: “U seen dat sexy trailer? Snyder better make #BatmanvSuperman DTF, or I’m BOYCOTTING”. This sentiment was echoed by online fan @DoYouEvenBleedBro: “Looking fwd to a return to Snyder’s 300 work, if you dudes know what I mean #HomoeroticSubtextorGTFO”.
When asked if he anticipated any backlash for his depiction of Batman and Superman as an erotically-charged couple reuniting after a long quarrel, Snyder was dismissive. “On the contrary, my fans, the “Snydudes” as they call themselves, are clamouring for a Batman/Superman sex scene.”
Citing his earlier, universally critically acclaimed films, Snyder vowed to employ the same “deft touch and sexual nuance” that he brought to films like 300 and Sucker Punch.
“After Man of Steel, when I depicted Superman blithely allowing half the city of Metropolis to be destroyed before murdering his enemy, the fans made one thing perfectly clear – I get Superman.”
Snyder then went on to detail several other things to expect in his R-rated Batman v Superman cut, including: numerous scenes of Alfred smoking; Lois Lane doing needle drugs; Leonard Cohen’s “Famous Blue Raincoat” playing over the Batman/Superman sex scene; a sequence where Wonder Woman researches various abortion methods: and an extended scene of Lex Luthor discussing female orgasms.
