Elections Canada recommends voters spend 5 minutes screaming into pillow each day - The Beaverton

Elections Canada recommends voters spend 5 minutes screaming into pillow each day

OTTAWA – As the nation enters the federal election home stretch, now suggests that any and all prospective voters take a few minutes each day to scream as long and loud as they possibly can.

“Due to the long campaign, we feel that Canada really needs to let off some steam before someone gets seriously hurt,” said Chief Electoral Officer . “Just put aside some time each day to have a little screaming fit. You’ll come out of it feeling refreshed and invigorated, ready to take on another two – goddammit – two more weeks of campaigning.”

The non-partisan agency’s recommendations also come with a list of phrases to scream until your throat is so raw that you need to stop, including: “Why? Why the [expletive of your choice] is this still happening?”, “Fuck you, [candidate]!”, and “[wordless screech, followed by dry heaving and sobs]”.

“We know that many Canadians currently live in situations that could make a shriek regimen inconvenient,” said Mayrand. “For those voters, we recommend a routine of frantically clawing at your skin every few hours or spending one night a week trying to curl yourself into as small a ball as possible.”

Early adopters of Elections Canada’s drills report that, while they felt less stressed, no matter how hard they screamed they still felt a strong sense of mute terror that threatened to rear up and swallow them whole. Mayrand attempted to address these concerns.

“If I’m being honest, all this pointless screaming probably won’t help,” said Mayrand. “But it’s the only advice I can give. We at Elections Canada would love to promote voting as a solution, but someone made that illegal.”

Mayrand then ended his press conference by repeatedly punching a concrete wall with his bare fists while the assembled reporters slowly left the room.