Hell via Des Moines, Iowa – Earlier today, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, officially rejected endorsements from “shitty” metal bands, who constantly praise Him in their lyrics.
The Devil, who was speaking through the demonic possession of Slayer guitarist Kerry King rejected the endorsements of bands like Venom, Cradle of Filth, and new Mayhem, by saying that these bands should “Spend a little less time praising me and more time learning proper chord structure.”
Should the members die and go to hell, Lucifer has already planned their torture; “They will go through the seven layers of musical theory hell, since a band like Venom clearly doesn’t know anything more than your standard pentatonic blues scale.”
Other tortures will include a millennia of reading Rolling Stone reviews, an eon of Satan’s lectures on the musical importance of the Ronnie James Dio era of Black Sabbath, and an eternity of listening to Coldplay who, according to the fallen angel “at least get the basics.” The Morningstar also added some of the torturing will be done by his new chief rebel angels Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus (and his cuttlefish dick).
After a hearty “Hail Satan!” Mephistopheles depossessed Kerry King’s body, inspiring at least five awesome song ideas.
